I can not tell a lie

I have to be honest, life freaking sucks right now. I repeatedly have to tell myself that I can not call or e mail my mom. I realize that we are approaching 2 months since her passing but to me it was days ago. Maybe because we still don't have any answers to why she passed away so young, maybe because I have yet to truly grieve. I am restarting therapy and I talk to a shrink every 2 to 3 months. I am letting school go for now and taking time to heal. I think that is best for all in my life. I miss my mom so much. I know that I told her that every time that I talked to her and that I loved her. God this hurts!

How do I live

Today is a bad day for me. I miss my mother so much. We have learned this week that Aiden qualifies for and aid and disability benefits, both which will lift such burdens off of us. I tried to call my mom. I don't know that I can do this. i don't know if I can live my life where I can't call my mom in good times and in bad. I and Irv were the only ones who viewed her body and yet it still isn't real to me. I miss her so much that I feel hallow and empty., I am drinking alcohol more (which is not normal for me), I have a hard time forcing myself out of bed, and I have been debating dropping school for the rest of the term. I do see a shrink and a therapist both of who tell me that this will be a long painful process but I honestly don't think that I can get through this with my sanity intact. It is the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

I did want to share some pictures that my wonderful Gin took while at my mom's memorial. She would have loved these. Thank you Gin. I would not have made it with the sanity I do have without you and Bex. I love you both so much!

I wrote this on the plane to Oregon and when I can think straight will share more but this is still too raw and painful

February 21, 2009

Since I cannot blog from an airplane, I will write this way and post it when I can get to an Internet connection. I am currently 10,000 feet in the air, waiting on the flight attendants to bring around our drinks. At this point I am thinking that liquor sounds good. I have been crying at random moments yet still can’t get my mind around mom’s death. Will and the kids are flying in tomorrow but are going to stay with his parents for the time being so that Irv and I may have some time to get everything in order. She wanted to be cremated and nothing more, no service, no wake, nothing. We will have something for her, even if it is a pot luck dinner with all of those of us who loved her.
On the way to the airport this morning all I could think about was how she was there for the birth of my beautiful daughters. She held my hand through the horrible and constant contractions and she held that screaming pink bundle that is Aileen today. Flash forward a few years and here we are again, mom helping me bring Lauren into the world. Poor woman didn’t expect me to explode after birth on her but thankfully Stewart had a change of clothes in the car.
Stewart, now there is a whole different subject to all of this. We have barely spoken in 6 years and now we have talked almost every day. Maybe that is the light that comes out of this, that Stewart and I will be able to heal our relationship.
All I can do right now is think of my pocket mommy, pray she is in a better place and pray for the strength to get through the next few days. I never thought that at 30 years old I would be taking care of my mother’s final wishes. What a surreal thing to feel.
I should be in Vegas in a few hours, then it is on to Sacramento then Portland. As soon as I get there, Becky will drive me to Glendale. Please lord give me strength.